I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
