I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
