So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
