Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
