Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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