Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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