oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
