apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
