I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
