So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
