A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
