even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
