if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
