Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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