Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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