your parents love me but you hate me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
