Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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