i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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