then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
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before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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