Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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