I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
