What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
