I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
