What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
