how can u be prego again
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
