My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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