ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
