It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
