Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
