Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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