listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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