you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
