WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
