My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
