i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
