I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
