oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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