My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
