she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.