I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
