apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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