I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
