Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
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Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers