I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?