it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
