hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
