Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
