I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
