Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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