two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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