Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
