I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
