either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
