hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
