Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
