absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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