his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The beer is more important than you right now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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