I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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